The 12.25 Reasons Why I Can’t Stand Christmas

1. Normalizes lying to kids. For YEARS. Parents — this is how future Trumpkins are manufactured.

2. Directly counter to meritocracy. Kids think they’re getting presents commensurate with how naughty or nice they’ve been, but actually it’s only a measure of how rich their parents are.

3. It’s the precursor to the surveillance state. “He knows when you’ve been sleeping, he knows when you’re awake” — who is this guy, Mark Zuckerberg and the NSA rolled into one? Fuck that.

4. You’re allowed to have a Santa Clara, Santa Theresa, or Santa Monica. What do they all have in common? That’s right — all of them are female saints, no penises. So you can’t have a Santa Claus, unless he happens to be dickless or crossdressing Claus.

5. The entire holiday is Northern Hemisphere-ist. FFS It’s the dead of summer in Sydney and Buenos Aires, you freezing bitches.

6. Also, the whole idea of a white Christmas is, well, incredibly white.

7. Santa Claus in its current incarnation was created by Coca Cola — “Making people fat (or high on cocaine) since 1886”

8. Co-opts, supersedes and ruins Saturnalia, a perfectly fine pagan holiday with proper feasts and orgies